Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Unwanted Guest

I’m not one to self-diagnose, but I’ve spent the past few days talking myself into believing I have a tapeworm. 
I don’t know the symptoms of hosting such a parasite, but here are reasons that (in my opinion at least) logically support my conclusion.

1.  Weight.  As I reconnect with college friends after the past several months apart, they seem to believe I have lost weight, complimenting me on my skinny looks.  This baffles me considering I have actually gained a significant deal of weight this summer.  I would never call myself “fat”, but I just feel heavier, like I’m hefting around somethin' extra.  LIKE THE WEIGHT OF A TEN POUND TAPEWORM.

2.  Appetite.  I keep finding myself racked with hunger, yet the instant I start eating I lose the urge to take any further chomps, bites, or even tiny nibblies.  This occurs often enough to cause me great distress.  I haven’t really made any changes to my diet or exercise routine or lifestyle that would explain this.  EXCEPT PERHAPS THE ACQUISITION OF A TAPEWORM. Stealin' all my foods.

This presumptuous tapeworm may just be eating until it’s full and then selfishly telling my body to also feel full so I don’t keep droppin’ food on its gross lil head.

3. Uhh… bathroom.  To avoid gross details, let’s just say I haven’t been “regular” lately, and there’s been some ouchy cramps happening at odd hours. And it’s because my tapeworm’s dancing around, raising the roof at its own intestine-party, while stealing all the food matter from me so I have nothing solid to process.  What a despicable guest to which I could potentially be leasing my body. AND THE TAPEWORM ISN’T EVEN PAYING ANY RENT. What an unreliable tennant.

At this point, I have properly Google’d the symptoms of a tapeworm infection.  These three that I’ve listed above are apparently among the most common side-effects of a one-worm intestine-fest. 

Does this mean that the worst could be true?  I am currently pregnant with an intestinal parasite?!! Nahh, not really. I probably don’t have anything infecting me except pre-semester college-kid anxiety.

But was it fun to write and draw and research all this? Yes.  Yes it was.

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