I’m not one to self-diagnose, but I’ve spent the past few days talking myself into believing I have a tapeworm.
I don’t know the symptoms of hosting such a parasite, but here are reasons that (in my opinion at least) logically support my conclusion.
1. Weight. As I reconnect with college friends after the past several months apart, they seem to believe I have lost weight, complimenting me on my skinny looks. This baffles me considering I have actually gained a significant deal of weight this summer. I would never call myself “fat”, but I just feel heavier, like I’m hefting around somethin' extra. LIKE THE WEIGHT OF A TEN POUND TAPEWORM.
2. Appetite. I keep finding myself racked with hunger, yet the instant I start eating I lose the urge to take any further chomps, bites, or even tiny nibblies. This occurs often enough to cause me great distress. I haven’t really made any changes to my diet or exercise routine or lifestyle that would explain this. EXCEPT PERHAPS THE ACQUISITION OF A TAPEWORM. Stealin' all my foods.
This presumptuous tapeworm may just be eating until it’s full and then selfishly telling my body to also feel full so I don’t keep droppin’ food on its gross lil head.
3. Uhh… bathroom. To avoid gross details, let’s just say I haven’t been “regular” lately, and there’s been some ouchy cramps happening at odd hours. And it’s because my tapeworm’s dancing around, raising the roof at its own intestine-party, while stealing all the food matter from me so I have nothing solid to process. What a despicable guest to which I could potentially be leasing my body. AND THE TAPEWORM ISN’T EVEN PAYING ANY RENT. What an unreliable tennant.
At this point, I have properly Google’d the symptoms of a tapeworm infection. These three that I’ve listed above are apparently among the most common side-effects of a one-worm intestine-fest.
Does this mean that the worst could be true? I am currently pregnant with an intestinal parasite?!! Nahh, not really. I probably don’t have anything infecting me except pre-semester college-kid anxiety.
But was it fun to write and draw and research all this? Yes. Yes it was.