Monday, September 19, 2011

broken laptop

As you may have inferred from the title, my laptop is broken.

And I don't mean broken like I'm dumb and it's slow cuz, being dumb, I download everything I click on.  I don't even mean it's broken like hyper-virus infection broken (though there have been those moments).

When I say "broken", I mean my laptop and life source for the past three years is Schwarzenegger-as-Terminator, shot-up-and-falling-apart broken.

Not even duct tape can rescue it at this point.  It's become so unholy as to resist the duct tape. It RESISTS the duct tape! What kind of evil machine can - WOULD - do such a thing?!

A laptop past its warranty is apparently its own free agent.  If it tries to kill me, I may just have to put it down.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Trip, fall, fail

This happens to me a lot.

Followed by this.

Because I trip and fall often, and mostly on stairs, my legs almost always look like this.

You can tell that I have a problem here.  I'm trying to identify the source of the problem in order to find a solution.  I don't think my toes have grown longer, and I doubt my center of gravity is shifting.  I'm just a klutzy lady and that's all there is to it.

Amputation seems like the most illogical, impractical, and sure-fire option to me at this juncture.  I don't know whether to cut off my toes, saw at the knee, or just lop off my entire lower half.  I shall consult a surgeon post-haste!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Extra Meat

The dining hall has switched from serve-yourself buffet style to a more personable ask-and-ye-shall-receive method.  The food is surprisingly better, but it would seem they almost anticipated the dangers of all-you-can-eat goodness and added the asking policy for better security.

The idea is that everybody gets one serving, fair and square.

This presents a problem for people (like me) who want - rather, NEED - extra breakfast meat.  The early dose of protein is what gets the carnivore inside me through the day.  If I am not allowed to have an overflowing plate of bacon at least twice a week, things get ugly.

Luckily I'm not one to give up on my usual routine so easily.  I realized early on that the only thing stopping me from unlimited meaty breakfastry is an old lady with a chef's hat and serving tongs.  Compared to the usual brick wall or giant fallen sycamore, that's not that much of an obstacle.

As effective as it would be to overpower her in a brief altercation and steal the entire tray of bacon, I know this would only work once and I'd probably be arrested long before I could finish consuming my greasy delicious trophy.  No, the only way to get past the serving drone was through... her heart.

With wide-eyed and bright-smiled wonder that would match any cartoon princess, I bat my eyes at the food-woman and feign interest in her well-being, all the while slightly sucking in my more prodigious parts to seem like I'm slightly starving and in dire need of extra scraps.

I noticed an almost immediate result when the girl in front of me in the line asked for "lots of bacon".  Disappointed in the amount, she asked for "extra".  Upon my turn, I simply asked the breakfast granny 1. how her morning has been and 2. for bacon.

Here's a visual aid of the result.

Sure, there's not much difference in mass between three and three and a HALF, but think of those ratios! That halfish one is like four pieces.  So a poor girl asked for extra and got only 3 pieces instead of my unrequested (yet deserved)  4. Her bacon ratio of 3/4 is like 75% which is like a C grade.  That is WAY sub-par to my 100% A+ bacon satisfaction.

I guess my point is: I'm cute and I get extra bacon for it.

Monday, September 5, 2011


I am not afraid of insects. Ants are quite fascinating and butterflies are beeeauuuutiful.  But some bugs are just AWFUL. Like flies.  Flies vomit and poop a lot and lay eggs on things.


I noticed the fly... birthing... but by the time it flew off, it was too late. It had nastyy nastyyy fly-birth in close proximity to my delicious drinkables, forever tainting the bottle's sanctity.  It's been hours and I'm still soaking the bottle in lava-hot detergent-water.

Another gross stinky-lookin bug ruined my life by playing "human train ride" and stowed away on my empty-box-car shoulder for who even KNOWS how long.  When my friend noticed it, we both ska-REEECHED and it buzzed off, landing on a window.  This picture does not do much for scale considering the rather hilarious perspective of the background.  But know that it was big, and it moved creepily, and was therefore gross.

Look! He's terrorizing the city!

Such a high capacity for nasty.