Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Awkward Couples

Valentine's Day is comin' up, which means two things about the singletons out there: insecure people are getting desperate, and confident people are getting angry.  Being the latter, I will spend the rest of this post describing some awkward couples that I hate upon daily to make me feel better about myself.

The Honeymooners

From the minute they started dating, it was as if fate brought them together. Nothing can keep them apart for more than necessary. They are willing to abandon all former family, friends, and responsibilities in order to monopolize each other's time.  They're the girls right there on the field during a game or the guys that come begrudgingly late to class.  They are so deeply infatuated with each other that they probably don't even talk, but rather just stare into each other's eyes incessantly.

The Keller is not a home theater, Honeymooners.  That TV probably isn't even on.  Stop imagining your future kids playing on the carpet in front of you. This is the only room-n-board place to eat and you're making everybody lose their appetites. Oh wait THAT'S JUST THE FOOD! Buh-dum, ching! But I digress.

? + ? = ?!?

Regardless of society's desire to categorize everybody, some people have managed to remain undefined through to college.  That's not to say all androgynous people are the scourge of society. There are some really hot androgynous people roamin' around.  It's the ugly ones that concern me.

Now, I've yet to actually see this, but I fear with the looming pressure of the coming spring, some of campus' more questionable people will pair up for safety.  I could be wrong, but my guess is that if this ever happened,  I would be so confused that I would have no choice but to... just... ignore them.  Whatever makes em happy, I guess...

The Weird Birds

Ever since a less-than-mature viewing of Alice in Won der land, I have been traumatized by the idea of weird, unruly birds.  Robins and finches and parrots are awesome and great, whatev. But if something like this, this, or THIS came anywhere near me, I would simply die on the spot for fear that standing still would allow it to come peck at me and running away would challenge it to chase then peck at me.  The unconventional ornithological has always disturbed me, but as of late, it has become a fascination.

Bringing me to a couple I like to call "The Weird Birds".  I think the reason they remind me of freak-show avians is the fact that all they really have in common is their noses.  These two awkward people have been sitting alone together like trivial flea-market bookends since the day they met.

I find myself tempted to sneak into Baldwin at night with a baseball bat, checking the corners for possible nests.

The Mistake

Then sometimes you see a relative to extremely attractive person, coupled up with somebody decidedly less attractive, either by physical features or personality flaws. What starts as mutual infatuation slowly fades into a nightmare that the more attractive partner may be fully aware of or brainwashed against. This attractive person is rarely with the lesser one for love, generally with them for pity, and most often is with them because of an accident and the proper escape method has yet to be determined. I would know, because I've been there.

What started out as a seemingly normal relation-ship was upon closer inspection a lil' dinghy that started sinking before I even got on it. I woulda been dragged down by its all-consuming vortex if my best friends weren't such avid lifeguards.

Thanks, guys! :D

Being single and confident is no easy task but it's the most healthy thing I could possibly be right now.  I'm almost excited for Valentine's Day to get here.  I'll give it a friendly hug, reminding it that we're just friends, but I'll give it the hope that maybe in a couple years we can have a legitimate relationship.

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