Sunday, February 6, 2011


A war has begun, readers, and I hope you'll chose your side wisely.

Bagels lobbed with cream cheese hold a special shelf in my heart.  As a frequent swimmer and an avid eater, they are the most delicious way to wad together 600 calories.  So whenever I don't have time for a meal, cannot make a decision, or don't want food poisoning from a suspicious Baldwin Dining Hall meat product, I go the bagel route.

Baldwin Dining Hall is... well, obnoxious.  It's like a 1-star buffet at best yet expects the reverence of P.F. Chang's.  It's a stupid college food trough with pretentious rules that make sense only on a large scale.  Consider the recent crackdown on taking food out of Baldwin: sure, stealing 400 apples is bad, but eating a sandwich while leaving shouldn't be punishable by death.  Alas, during the crackdown, even those nom-nomming their om-noms had to stop what they were doing and abandon their food. Where? In the trash can right next to the door.  From freshly made grilled cheese to the innocent apple, all had to be tossed.

Way to go green, Baldwin.

But as with all crackdowns, people lose interest, and once again rebels get away with things. So the other day, while prepping for several hours of foodlessness, I sneaked a precious bagel and a package of cream cheese into my bag. I felt confident after having done this several times before that I would get away with it, especially since I have spent my entire college career being exceedingly courteous to the dining service employees.  As I enter, I greet them with a smile, and as I leave I always thank them and wish them a lovely rest-of-day.

But there's one monster of an employee, with a heart as black as her left incisor.  Though pleasant on the surface, she (it?) is a truly evil being, incapable of empathy.  I'd peg her at 6,800 years old. She has many names,but I simply call her "Bangs".

While leaving the wretched trough, I was in the middle of gifting Bangs a grateful "goodnight" when it spat its venom at me without warning.
I pooped a lil and tried to run, but the apparent offspring of Medusa still had some of momma's powers, petrifying me indefinitely.  After an awkward hesitation, I squeaked out a horrible excuse. "Oh, just some cream cheese, for later..."
Her glare intensified from stun to kill, the forked tongue slithering through each word.  "But whaddijoo WRAP UPPHhhhssss"
She got me there. I couldn't lie if she watched me actually take the bagel and wrap it up. If I said words I don't remember them and they had no effect, because she bewitched me into a stiff-legged transit towards the abyssal trashcan.  My hands fumbled in my bag for the innocent Mr. Bageley and like an executioner specializing in bottomless pits, I power-chucked him down into the abyss.

Bangs had her way.  I exited the building like a prisoner of war whose freedom comes costly after the guilt of what he did to stay alive.  I have always been so nice to Bangs but this was an affront to my dignity.

This is the beginning of war, Bangs. You will no longer receive the niceties that acquaintances deserve and from now on, I shall refer to your job position as "the help". I'm already winning, you atrocious hag. How so, do you ask?

I still have the cream cheese.

1 comment: